Bi Polar

So I've come around to getting used to the idea of Ryan leaving a little bit more. Its still hard, but hes been good about constantly reassuring his wreck of a gay boyfriend. A lot of people are giving me mixed advice. I look at it this way, anything in life is a gamble... True, i could wind up wasting a summer, but I don't know that. Maybe we'll prove them wrong. Sure, it won't be easy for me, or him (at least I don't think) but... why the hell not. As funny as it sounds at this point, he makes me awfully happy. I think once i get used to this whole CP thing, things will stop being strained as they have been this week. Above all I do want Ryan to be happy. My job is not to let his happiness devistate me... and its not. Live and learn, it will be something of a test if it works out, something to look back and laugh about. Right??

PS, my pvt journal has a new entry.. nothing too special, but rather hysterical... ;)

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After a long church choir practice, we went to the club last night with Bob. It was actually a pretty good time. I got Ryan to dance to some of my more favorite songs... It was fun except Ryan had this thing about grabbing me inappropriately... HARD. Grr... Lol, its all good now though... he had a little more to drink than he probably should have but, you'll have that. We ended up sitting with Joe, Ken, Josh, and Meg at EatnPark, which was truly an interesting "bridging the gap" experience, even though Joe was a little out of line... but he was drunk and I didn't really take him seriously... The drive home was hell, but it gave me plenty of time to think and relax a little bit. I feel good today :)

Ciao

Little Earthquakes

What do you say when you should be happy for someone, but inside you're screaming, begging for it not to happen... Ryan told me tonight hes going to Cedar Point for the summer. Maybe I should be happy and shouldn't be worried, but knowing what I know about CP to begin with is enough to make me be pretty damn scared. Not only is it 4 hours away, it is also a big gay mecca. I just don't know how i feel about it, and the fact of the matter is... going there will make him awfully happy. And I'm left here devistated and wondering if things will be the same after hes there all summer. I can't help but be terrified that things will change. Just when I think things are great we have this looming over our heads. I don't know if i'm strong enough to get through this....

Tired

So, i wonder if i would get into a lot of trouble if i got a really fast running headstart and attempted to hurdle the circulation desk....

Ramblings...

Last year at this time, I was getting over brendan. Next year at this time, i'll be getting ready to graduate... I can't help but wonder if things will fly as fast and recklessly as they did in the last one. My life is good, spectacular even. Its just the people around me. I want to give up and live in a shoebox somewhere sometimes, or at the very least just cuddle with my boyfriend... especially if hes wearing his hooded sweatshirt... that thing is sooo soft, i just love it ;)

But seriously, like i said in my last entry, I just want to scream at some people to GET OVER THEMSELVES. The universe is no more centered around them than it is around me. Another case in point tonight... if you were there you know. Its a mess.

Something ive been wondering... where is the line drawn between being selfish and repressing strong feelings you have about something? I will probably have to learn the hard way...

hrm. Im tired of writing. Bye bye