A Ressurection of Sorts...

So, i realized adter not journaling a whole lot that I really miss it. I miss putting some thoughts down once in awhile- just whenever I feel like it. What this journal is going to be from this point is me getting my life together constructively. What it isn't going to be is a way to talk to my friends or say things that should be said in person. This is intrapersonal.. not interpersonal.

So... life continues to pass me by. I really don't know what I'm going to do next year. All along I have been planning on grad school right away. The Pros: I can still be on my parents insurance, I'll stand a better chance of actually getting around to doing it, I don't have any loans, so I can take out plenty to pay for it, and I can then get a job and slowly get my doctorate. The cons: I don't have a whole lot of experience yet- necessary experience for things like audition videotapes and such- and money. More pros than cons, but the con side is a little problematic. I can't decide what to do. Auditioning/applying to grad school is going to be expensive and hard- granted I think it will pay off in the end... but still. Getting a job also gives me more options considering where to live after May. If I want to live in Baltimore, but only get accepted in Seattle... well... I can't live in Baltimore. This isn't a huge problem. Afterall, there isn't anything tying me to any specific place... right?

Well...

That brings me to a whole nother subject.... Its a happier subject, but up in the air all the same. The subject in question... my better half. Joel.


Well, one thing led to another as things like this often do, and Joel and I became official :) I love him in ways that I really haven't loved anyone else... It sounds cliche, it seems like I'm jumping the gun... yet it doesn't seem to be the case. I've been around the relationship bush a few times now (obviously) and its different... Something is different... I say I love him... and I actually do. For the first time probably since brendan do I actually see the future in terms of myself and one person... I wake up and want to hear his voice... I get in bed and want him to be there. Granted, he is from Maryland and we don't see eachother a whole lot... But when we do, its more wonderful than can be imagined... Its... unbelievable. He makes me happy, and this time- I mean it.

Now, relating the previous bunch of paragraphs about Joel and being in love with him... He graduates in December. I graduate in May. Its not as if its tomorrow, but its looming in the back of my mind... where do we go from here? Obviously he'll be getting a job... somewhere... so will I for that mater a short six months later. I want to think that it will be in the same place... that we'll be together... that somehow, this is the one I've been waiting for. Its about faith and trust in things that aren't even here yet... I'm not scared, because I know everything will be fine... I know he loves me, and I know I love him... but I'm apprehensive of the future a bit I guess. Its totally new territory... I'm growing up and have to start thinking in terms of the rest of my life... Or at least a little bit more longterm than my quickly ending college career.... Its not putting strain on the relationship... its wonderful and gets better every day, but I just kind of see it coming in the distance. On the other hand, its kinda fun to think about actually building a life with someone that I care about ... Just little things, like where we might live or what kind of furniture we might have... On that end... it makes me smile

Just like anything else Joel does...

I'm soooo happy with this boy :)

Time to rehearse.. more later