Its kinda cloudy and grey out today, and I'm feeling reflective... so here I go, posting to my journal...

Life is far too complicatd for me. It shouldn't be. It just seems that life ends up being a series of crises, and all we do is go from one to another to another, coming up with solutions that lead to more crises and more hurt to overcome. Its awful... and wonderful... and confusing. We make choices. Sometimes, they aren't right. Whether we blindly make them or even realize that they aren't right, we have to stand by them. We can't go back. All we can hope is that we learn from it. I think I've realized that what i really need is a break from everything familiar in my life... I was waiting for graduation to do that, but I really don't think I can wait that long any more. I have a job in Cedar Point if I want it. Yes, Ryan is going, and thats probably why I wanted to go in the first place. But there are other reasons too- primairly that I want to get out of here. True, I'm basically selling away my summer. I'm used to relaxing a lot and enjoying my summers. However, I'm going to be a teacher... I have the rest of my life to relax and enjoy summers. This is an oppertunity to make some money and get out of here, away from everything. Its not anyone or anything in particuliar, its just an intrinsic need I have to go somewhere unfamiliar and see what happens... Maybe its to prove my maturity to myself... So, I'm going to go. I realize that I'm leaving a lot behind, but I will be back here and ready for my final year as an undergrad after my experience. If nothing else, I'm sure that if I really really hate CP, I can quit and come home. The thing I want the people in my life to understand is that I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this for me. It will be nice to be with Ryan, but at the same time, I realize that that isn't set in stone. Not that I'm being pessemistic- I'm just saying that if worse came to worse, I would be fine with it still. I know better than to base a decision like that on something as fragile as a relationship- any relationship, for that matter. I mean, I do like him a lot and hope that the summer will become something that we grow out of and time well spent together without worrying about drama- at least not the same drama we see here... Enough about that, Ryan doesn't like it when i talk about him in here....
One more thing though, he got his hernia operation today... hopefully he will be feeling better soon!

Well I feel better... I'm going.