Dissecting the gay personal ad, part II

So, I definitely should have given up online boyfriend shopping for Lent this year. HOWEVER...

There are certain unspoken rules in the world of gay personal ads. First off, no one will ever claim that they actually use personal ads obsessively, usually starting with the line 'well, i've never written one of these before but...' The longer this line is, the more of them they've posted and the more times a day they check their personals mailbox(es). In fact, its scientific. For instance 'Well, Hi, i'm new to this online personals thing and i've never had one before, but here goes...' would equal somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 or so personal ads.

The Pic is the next thing. If there isn't one, just don't bother because its 2004- everyone has access to some type of online picture medium. If not, they're probably in the neighborhood of 50 years old-- or, they're not mcuh to look at. However, just because a picture looks good doesn't mean a whole lot. Webcams can hide a lot at the correct angle. Additionally, no gay man ever has a "good pic" online. Usually the caption reads I hate this pic, This pic sucks but..., or This is an old pic of me. Be leary of other people in the picture too- boys because you will always be matching yourself up to Mr. Photo, and girls because it may signal that he won't have time to hang out with you because of his TV schedule.

Next, no one is ever looking for a husband, or even someone to date casually. The perferred terminology is 'looking for friends and maybe more if something develops' The real meaning: I'm so looking for someone to date, sleep with, maybe even stalk, but i don't want to sound like as big a hoe as I am. If you find one that says 'Looking for long term commitment', chances are they're A. ugly, B. lying, C. both.

Likewise, the following definitions apply: Not sure I'm ready for a relationship= Not sure i'm ready for a relationship with you , do you have a six pack? Recently broke up with my partner= did it this morning, need someone to sleep with before we get back together. Never been in a gay relationship before= I'll give you a complex about me liking britney spears. Doesn't do hookups= does hookups. Doesn't do hookups, thats disgusting (blab about random hookups more)= I do it all the time and got some of my STD's that way.

Then theres what they're looking for, always centered around personality. The more they talk about personality, the more they think about looks. Simply add "in bed" to each sentence in this section, and it puts it into the right perspective. For example, "Someone who likes to have long conversations in bed watch movies in bed is honest and sincere in bed. You get the idea!


Additionally, it is a cardinal sin to not like movies, music, hanging out with friends, walks on the beach, going to clubs, the outdoors, and small fuzzy animals. Its here you can find out some real information about your man-o-the night. Usually aside from the standards they add one or two things that wow... they actually like . All you need is one or two to sort them out. They include hunting (hick) cars (usually redneck unless it means "i drive a jetta") sports (yikes), computers (addicted to sim city), gardening (i lied about my age), going to the gym (actually i don't, but hopefully you do!), and etc...

Desperation can always be measured considering the mediums of contact given (whether they're allowed or not) The more forms, the more desperate. Email, yahoo messenger, AIM, ICQ, cell and fax numbers would generally signal desperation and possibly a problem. No contact info is also a big red flag (for because I have a boyfriend).

This makes personal ads sound rather daunting, but now you know how to find Mr. Right, and more importantly, how NOT to find Mr. Wrong.