ups and downs

Im down today... yesterday I was in a great mood, I felt more like myself than I have in Clarion all semester... Today is just different. I think i need to get out of the house or something. Mostly it was Ryan... he was in a pissy mood after lunch and picked the wrong time to go off on me- not having anything really to do with me- but still. There are moments that I wish I weren't getting so close to leaving Clarion (like last night) and then moments that I would much rather jump off the bridge (the high one on 322, not the Tobey bridge, whcih I have, indeed, jumped off of many times before) than spend one more moment in this town. The more I think about it, the music thing is not working for me. Like, this isn't just "that time in the semester", I really don't think its working. I'm not sure I can settle for teaching music for the rest of my life in a high school. I need to start there to get into grad school, and I suppose I've come to terms with that. Music people are just too wierd. I want to create- not work. But, I'm not ready for that quite yet.... The more I think about it, the more I should have been an English major. Seriously. I want to change my major. However, it is WAY too late for that. I would be 23 by the time I get out of this dump, and I simply can't stay here that much longer. I can't put my other goals on hold. So what do I do. What can I do. I see two options right now... Sleep with the head of the english department, or get my music degree and bite the bullet for a couple of years while I decide what else I can do...

I'd say B is the better option, because the head of the English department is A. Not my boyfriend, and B. a woman... soooo... yeah

Anyway, I must get to class i suppose... if i cared about class that would be exciting. But i don't... I don't even pretend anymore, and my professors know this. They know that I have no intention of putting forth any more effort than I absolutely have to, and that seems to work out fine, since me putting forth no effort seems to equal the best efforts of most of the students here. Another reason Clarion drives me crazy. I have put forth virtually no effort on classes in the last year or so, ever since I got a job and burned out, and still, I get great grades... I've never gotten a C even. All As and Bs. And I could say, imagine what I would learn if i put forth effort... but no. Its not the case. I learn more from my job than I do from my education.

Enough ranting. I'm suppsoed to go to the bar tongiht with Megs and Bethany (Bethany who is going to NYC this weekend too so we're gonna be buddies on the trip) and maybe to the "tea party" before that. Now, I've only had tea a time or two, so I don't even know how to drink it let alone what it would do to me... But maybe. I could be like all the real musicians I know.

Or not

Alcohol is better than tea for me!

Robbie