What personal ads really mean

I spent this afternoon looking at personal ads. BIG mistake. As I read I seemed to notice some trends that I thought would be fun to explore in writing a little bit. I have to mention that I for some reason have an ad, and it says pretty much the same thing as all the rest, but its sitll fun to make fun of. Not that I have anything against internet personals, but they are all SO cliche. For example:

1. No one... NO ONE is looking for a relationship. Ever. God forbid someone post a personal ad and want one of those. No, thats definitely not something that anyone should be looking for. So instead, we say, I'm looking for new friends and then we can see what happens from there. Translation: I'm looking for a boyfriend but if we meet and you're not cute enough i can opt out at any time. Alternate translation: I can't commit to one, so i want lots of friends... to get naked and mess around with.

2. "Well shit. It's been months since I even *touched* this AD. So here I am, sittin online, late at night... sooo.. of course I'm very very.. bored" Translation: "I sit and check my personals mail every five minutes and still no one as messaged me. I must sound too desperate"

3. "Here we go... so basically I'm a really chill guy that likes to go out and kick it or just stay home and relax." ... Can we narrow this down?

4. Guys are never EVER looking to hook up. Even if they want to hook up, they're not trying to hook up. Instead it comes out something like: "I don't do hook-ups, if I meet someone and we happen to have sex its fine, but I definitely don't hook up." Translation: "I hook up. If we meet, we'll hook up. But, we'll call it hanging out."

5."mostly attracted to guys a little older than myself (20-45 is a good age range)." Range? For earlier civilizations that was a good lifespan!

6. A picture is never a good pic... its always either outdated, taken when the boy was tired, is blurry, upsidedown, etc... So, we say "This pic isn't the best, but its all i have" What that really means is "I spent six hour trying to take/find a picture to put in here and although this one is an exact representation of me at this precise moment, i still feel inadequate"

7."I dont' know why I am putting this up, I guess i am just hopeing that Mr. Right comes along." So you... do... know... why you put this up?

8.The perfect date always involves coffee at some point. Always. (ok, so granted the most fabulous date i ever went on involved coffee... and a hottub.... but whatever)

9. Of course, we all go to the gym. Every day. for hours... no doubt about that.

10."I'm not looking for anyone who acts, behaves, looks, or even remotely sounds feminine. This includes lisps, overly-gelled preppy haircuts, tight neon-green shirts, bright shiney anything, words and phreases like "girl," "oh no he didn't," & "like, oh my gaw" and anything else that might not be included in this list. I'm just not into the fem/gay stereotypes." a. The little tiny homo that constitutes my inner dialog just used at least two of those phrases. b. Translation: I'm fem and need to counteract myself.

Ok, so I didn't mean to trash anyones personal ads... I'm just bored and needed something to occupy my time. Now of course, my own add falls into most of these categories, and perhaps mr. right will happen to click on me someday and we'll meet, fall in love, etc etc... but- im not holding my breath, because I'm "not looking for a relationship."
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Quote: just because i had to

robbieboyeee: I crack my shit up
JESFISH: well that leaves us with two cracked up shits
robbieboyeee: That it does. I'll go get the Charmin!